I am very thankful because I have received so much support from family and friends during the preparation of my campus visit. I experienced again what I've experienced repeatedly in my life - Magic. Generous support came like a magic, from people I know and connect to, when I was seriously desperate and worried, when I just thought that I was all alone throughout the journey.
I am so blessed, I think, to be able to know all of them. Maybe it is true that each person is an island. One has to endure what one deserves to. But I think there is always connections between the lonely islands, things that can not be blocked and cut off. Everyone is an island which connects to other islands in deep and complicated ways. I cherish such connections because they make the loneliness of my island meaningful.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
剑走偏锋赖声川
这是个神人。美国出生，说一口地道的美语，上大学却去读英文，玩儿了五年民歌驻唱，对戏剧艺术发生了兴趣，又跑回加州伯克利念戏剧博士。博士读完了，却不想正儿八经当个学者，又跑回他嘴里的”戏剧沙漠“去建筑他戏剧的Las Vegas。没经过剧本写作的训练，自己写起了剧本儿。写剧本也就罢了，竟然还写起了了三俗之一的相声，，没想到一夜成名，名利双收，从此一步步登上台湾现代戏剧之父的宝座。
他今天一头花白垂肩长发，八字须，络腮胡，一身黑衣。除了一口原汁原味的英语，和他那美国拿的博士学位，他身上没有什么洋味儿，倒是有浓浓的艺术味儿。我注意到他手的动作特别丰富，很有表现力。
他是个精力充沛的speaker，近两个小时的talk，他硬是一口气没歇，一口水没喝，口才实在了得。我并不对他讲的一切都买账，且觉得有些神话，说多了真的会假作真时真亦假。但我很喜欢他讲的cause和effect在表演中的关系，他的戏剧观，他对create moments的讲解，对创作方法的感悟。但总的来说，深讲的东西少，介绍的东西多，以至于我现在除了在现场的愉悦感，回忆不起来太多的感触点。
但他的talk让我更坚信了一件事，一个人必须要做自己真正热爱、真正相信的事情，生命才有意义。赖声川讲到当他读到博士第四年，突然发现自己并不知道戏剧到底是什么的时候，他惶恐而抑郁。但他终究没有违心地去做不能convince自己去做的事情，而是剑走偏锋，走出了自己的世界。
散会后，有个人跟我说，她觉得赖声川此来，生意经比学术经多。我则觉得这很自然。艺术又不是净土。能把艺术玩到他这个程度（我不说境界、也不说档次，呵呵）的人，绝对不是愤青、也不是票友。他一定是他自己说的，passion与impassion的巧妙结合。
他今天一头花白垂肩长发，八字须，络腮胡，一身黑衣。除了一口原汁原味的英语，和他那美国拿的博士学位，他身上没有什么洋味儿，倒是有浓浓的艺术味儿。我注意到他手的动作特别丰富，很有表现力。
他是个精力充沛的speaker，近两个小时的talk，他硬是一口气没歇，一口水没喝，口才实在了得。我并不对他讲的一切都买账，且觉得有些神话，说多了真的会假作真时真亦假。但我很喜欢他讲的cause和effect在表演中的关系，他的戏剧观，他对create moments的讲解，对创作方法的感悟。但总的来说，深讲的东西少，介绍的东西多，以至于我现在除了在现场的愉悦感，回忆不起来太多的感触点。
但他的talk让我更坚信了一件事，一个人必须要做自己真正热爱、真正相信的事情，生命才有意义。赖声川讲到当他读到博士第四年，突然发现自己并不知道戏剧到底是什么的时候，他惶恐而抑郁。但他终究没有违心地去做不能convince自己去做的事情，而是剑走偏锋，走出了自己的世界。
散会后，有个人跟我说，她觉得赖声川此来，生意经比学术经多。我则觉得这很自然。艺术又不是净土。能把艺术玩到他这个程度（我不说境界、也不说档次，呵呵）的人，绝对不是愤青、也不是票友。他一定是他自己说的，passion与impassion的巧妙结合。
Saturday, January 15, 2011
In the Name of Love
Bill Zeller, a 27 year old PhD student, took his own life last week. He left a letter on his web page before he committed suicide. The letter explains why he did what he did. In this letter, he said that he wanted it to be made public and circulated so more people can see. That's what I am doing here -
http://documents.from.bz/note.txt
The letter reveals that for the last 23 years, Bill Zeller had carried his secret and and fought with the darkness inside him everyday. It shows the great pain he had suffered when he was alive. He was desperate for love, for understanding, and for trust. This lonely and wounded soul had never stopped trying to live a respectful life, to love others while feeling being loved, to seek for solution to stay away from the hurtful past. My tears was running down my face like a stream when I read his letter. He is extremely cynical, and had trust problems. But these are because there is a hole in his heart and he was suffering unspeakable pain. He is not incapable of love; he understands love perfectly. When he met the one who loved him dearly, he wrote -
"She was so loving and kind to me and gave me everything I could have asked for under the circumstances. I'll never forget how much happiness she brought me in
those briefs moments when I could ignore the darkness. I had originally
planned to kill myself last winter but never got around to it. (Parts of
this letter were written over a year ago, other parts days before doing
this.) It was wrong of me to involve myself in her life if this were a
possibility and I should have just left her alone, even though we only
dated for a few months and things ended a long time ago. She's just one
more person in a long list of people I've hurt."
But his pain and his dark secret destroyed him and his relationships, including the one he described in details in his letter. He is an arrogant kid, too arrogant to tell anyone in the world what had happened to him before he took his own life. He was not born to be so arrogant and self-defensive; he was made to. I understand that the more one's life was crushed under the fate's feet, the more one wants to prove that he/she is worth living.
How much I wish that time can fly backward. How much I wish I could know him in person and was able to tell him that opening up your heart to trustful people would not make you inferior but could only save you. If they see you as "ruined or traumatized," and if they spread your secret, that's their problem. That's because they are not decent people, not understanding how much courage it takes for a wounded soul to talk.
HOw much I wish that his family could love him in the way that he wants to be loved. How much I wish that he could hug himself and told himself "I love you."
I feel extremely sad this morning, for Bill Zeller's death. I do not see him just as a victim of sexual violence and child abuse. In my eyes, he is much more than that. He had a soul that can fly, and he had the talent that many people do not have. Yet he died, so young and innocent. I understand that death might be the best solution he could find given what he had in his life. He wrote:
"Some people are just dealt bad hands in this life. I know many people
have it worse than I do, and maybe I'm just not a strong person, but I
really did try to deal with this. I've tried to deal with this every day
for the last 23 years and I just can't fucking take it anymore."
I don't think that he did not survive because he is not as strong as others. On the opposite, I think that he is very strong to be able to live up to 27 years, fighting the darkness every day. I just wished that he could be listened more carefully and intensively, and his pain could be dealt with more delicacy and love.
http://documents.from.bz/note.txt
The letter reveals that for the last 23 years, Bill Zeller had carried his secret and and fought with the darkness inside him everyday. It shows the great pain he had suffered when he was alive. He was desperate for love, for understanding, and for trust. This lonely and wounded soul had never stopped trying to live a respectful life, to love others while feeling being loved, to seek for solution to stay away from the hurtful past. My tears was running down my face like a stream when I read his letter. He is extremely cynical, and had trust problems. But these are because there is a hole in his heart and he was suffering unspeakable pain. He is not incapable of love; he understands love perfectly. When he met the one who loved him dearly, he wrote -
"She was so loving and kind to me and gave me everything I could have asked for under the circumstances. I'll never forget how much happiness she brought me in
those briefs moments when I could ignore the darkness. I had originally
planned to kill myself last winter but never got around to it. (Parts of
this letter were written over a year ago, other parts days before doing
this.) It was wrong of me to involve myself in her life if this were a
possibility and I should have just left her alone, even though we only
dated for a few months and things ended a long time ago. She's just one
more person in a long list of people I've hurt."
But his pain and his dark secret destroyed him and his relationships, including the one he described in details in his letter. He is an arrogant kid, too arrogant to tell anyone in the world what had happened to him before he took his own life. He was not born to be so arrogant and self-defensive; he was made to. I understand that the more one's life was crushed under the fate's feet, the more one wants to prove that he/she is worth living.
How much I wish that time can fly backward. How much I wish I could know him in person and was able to tell him that opening up your heart to trustful people would not make you inferior but could only save you. If they see you as "ruined or traumatized," and if they spread your secret, that's their problem. That's because they are not decent people, not understanding how much courage it takes for a wounded soul to talk.
HOw much I wish that his family could love him in the way that he wants to be loved. How much I wish that he could hug himself and told himself "I love you."
I feel extremely sad this morning, for Bill Zeller's death. I do not see him just as a victim of sexual violence and child abuse. In my eyes, he is much more than that. He had a soul that can fly, and he had the talent that many people do not have. Yet he died, so young and innocent. I understand that death might be the best solution he could find given what he had in his life. He wrote:
"Some people are just dealt bad hands in this life. I know many people
have it worse than I do, and maybe I'm just not a strong person, but I
really did try to deal with this. I've tried to deal with this every day
for the last 23 years and I just can't fucking take it anymore."
I don't think that he did not survive because he is not as strong as others. On the opposite, I think that he is very strong to be able to live up to 27 years, fighting the darkness every day. I just wished that he could be listened more carefully and intensively, and his pain could be dealt with more delicacy and love.
Friday, January 7, 2011
1000 "Friends" on Facebook
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1344281/Facebook-suicide-None-Simone-Backs-1-082-online-friends-helped-her.html?ito=feeds-newsxml
The news reminds me of one episode of Southpark in which one lonely kid tried to secure a friend online and ended up killing himself when his only facebook friend deleted his name from the friend list. Nowadays, if one doesn't have a facebook account, he/she could be thought of as an alien. If one doesn't have over one hundred friends listed in one's facebook page, he/she seem to be "out." And being "out" is a sin.
Facebook has some positive functions. It can bring a family closer and bring more like-minded people together. But it is only a communication tool, not the end of communication, not the communication itself. I don't know how one can have one hundred or over one thousand "friends." I also don't know the meaning of posing every details of daily activities online. What's the point of telling one's "friends" "I ate an apple," or "I got up at 11:00am"? Does telling the others everything one does/think/like/dislike help them know one better and more quickly? I doubt it.
The news reminds me of one episode of Southpark in which one lonely kid tried to secure a friend online and ended up killing himself when his only facebook friend deleted his name from the friend list. Nowadays, if one doesn't have a facebook account, he/she could be thought of as an alien. If one doesn't have over one hundred friends listed in one's facebook page, he/she seem to be "out." And being "out" is a sin.
Facebook has some positive functions. It can bring a family closer and bring more like-minded people together. But it is only a communication tool, not the end of communication, not the communication itself. I don't know how one can have one hundred or over one thousand "friends." I also don't know the meaning of posing every details of daily activities online. What's the point of telling one's "friends" "I ate an apple," or "I got up at 11:00am"? Does telling the others everything one does/think/like/dislike help them know one better and more quickly? I doubt it.
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