Danish Royal Ballet

第一次坐得离舞台这么近，有点窥视的感觉了。可以清晰地看到跳舞的人剧烈起伏的胸膛，听到他们落地时舞鞋碰地的达达声。第一次知道他们不光在台下挥汗如雨，在台上也会如此。一挥手之间，汗珠散成一个优美的圆弧，无声息地落到地面。

最后压轴的是一个群舞，叫Earth。全部都是男的。很难想象这样一群人有什么好看的 -- 没有高高踮起的脚尖，没有旋转的红舞鞋，更没有轻纱罗裙、修长双腿。可是，偏偏是他们，舞出了别样的妩媚。

领舞的是Thomas Lund，这个从ballroom dance进入ballet世界的舞蹈家，让我领略了什么叫做男人的舞蹈。我真的找不出更好的词汇来形容看他跳舞的感觉。不需要夸张的妆容，不需要华丽的舞美，他看似不经意地一举手一投足，那种扣人心弦的美，已经如暗夜盛放的茉莉花香，阵阵袭来。那是一种近于蛊惑的境界。

Lund对自己的身体控制得那么精妙，如同最美的女子，增一分则多，减一分则少。那是数年如一日的严格训练得来的身体，每一寸都是活的，却又绝不拖泥带水。难怪有人评价说他是世界上动作最干净的舞蹈家。此言不差。看他跳舞，有一种吸烟的快感，吞进去，吐出来，悠悠的，却又是似有若无的。虽然他根本看不到我，却似乎他能看透此时我心底的一切想法，我们的对话，他用他的肢体，我用我的心。事实上，我在他面前噤声了，因为他是那么雄辩、才思泉涌，将我折服。

在Earch之前上演的Amlus，与此相比，简直就是一支甜烂小曲。而Earch，是不折不扣的命运交响曲。

Way Out

One of my friends at Pitt told me today that she was offered a job recently. I am so happy for her. She is a sweet young woman, very gentle, and considerate. Two years ago, I temporarily lived in her apartment for a summer because of a teaching position. She accommodated me with pure friendship and warmth. I still remember the nights that we spent together having long chats, and watching YTYCD or American Idol together. We also watched a musical with a group of people in that summer. We had dinner in a sushi buffet twice.

She's a devoted Christian. She believes God's words full-heartedly, and God does show her THE way and love her the way she loves HIM.

I remember I called her one of my darkest days. She said: "We should drop off our worries. If it turns out we both find good jobs, our current worries will become a total waste. God will lead." At that time, I was surprised how cheerful and peaceful she could be in face of a hard dissertation project, a committee member who is not that nice, and uncertain future. But looking back, I do find my worries and stress caused not by the workload but by the feeling of uncertainty and insecurity are such a waste. She seems to have more courage than I do in terms of dealing with the time of crisis. I think that courage comes from her belief, from HIM.

Big bless to you, my friend. After the whole PhD thing, I do believe that there's a way out for everybody. The key is HOW we deal with uncertainties and hardship that we don't expect/welcome in our lives. I do believe that suffering, in some way, is a blessing. He knows that I can handle the suffering because I am stronger than others. In other words, I deserve the suffer. I hope I deserve it, at least.

温暖的瞬间

再看了一次Once，只因为偶尔在咖啡厅里听到了那首已经变得烂大街的Falling slowly。我再一次被深深地感动了，被那没有拥抱热吻上床的guy and girl的故事。他和她不是没有欲望的人，是有欲望却知道爱起于何时止于何处的人。他们都为着理想在奋斗，但也同时明白现实与理想之间的距离，特别是那个girl。当她只能用捷克语说“我爱的是你“，当她最终失约，当她在guy买给她的钢琴上奏完一曲回头看向窗外时，我都觉得她美丽无比。

有很多心情是说不出来的。每个人都有自己的无声话语，说向深深的记忆。

相遇可以是童话般的，但童话人物真的只适合活在童话世界里。

就比如，Glen Hansard 与 Maketa Irglove 最终还是分道扬镳了。但他们有过Once，有过曾经在一起的回忆。他们造就了彼此的人生。

I am so thankful

I am very thankful because I have received so much support from family and friends during the preparation of my campus visit. I experienced again what I've experienced repeatedly in my life - Magic. Generous support came like a magic, from people I know and connect to, when I was seriously desperate and worried, when I just thought that I was all alone throughout the journey.

I am so blessed, I think, to be able to know all of them. Maybe it is true that each person is an island. One has to endure what one deserves to. But I think there is always connections between the lonely islands, things that can not be blocked and cut off. Everyone is an island which connects to other islands in deep and complicated ways. I cherish such connections because they make the loneliness of my island meaningful.

剑走偏锋赖声川

这是个神人。美国出生，说一口地道的美语，上大学却去读英文，玩儿了五年民歌驻唱，对戏剧艺术发生了兴趣，又跑回加州伯克利念戏剧博士。博士读完了，却不想正儿八经当个学者，又跑回他嘴里的”戏剧沙漠“去建筑他戏剧的Las Vegas。没经过剧本写作的训练，自己写起了剧本儿。写剧本也就罢了，竟然还写起了了三俗之一的相声，，没想到一夜成名，名利双收，从此一步步登上台湾现代戏剧之父的宝座。

他今天一头花白垂肩长发，八字须，络腮胡，一身黑衣。除了一口原汁原味的英语，和他那美国拿的博士学位，他身上没有什么洋味儿，倒是有浓浓的艺术味儿。我注意到他手的动作特别丰富，很有表现力。

他是个精力充沛的speaker，近两个小时的talk，他硬是一口气没歇，一口水没喝，口才实在了得。我并不对他讲的一切都买账，且觉得有些神话，说多了真的会假作真时真亦假。但我很喜欢他讲的cause和effect在表演中的关系，他的戏剧观，他对create moments的讲解，对创作方法的感悟。但总的来说，深讲的东西少，介绍的东西多，以至于我现在除了在现场的愉悦感，回忆不起来太多的感触点。

但他的talk让我更坚信了一件事，一个人必须要做自己真正热爱、真正相信的事情，生命才有意义。赖声川讲到当他读到博士第四年，突然发现自己并不知道戏剧到底是什么的时候，他惶恐而抑郁。但他终究没有违心地去做不能convince自己去做的事情，而是剑走偏锋，走出了自己的世界。

散会后，有个人跟我说，她觉得赖声川此来，生意经比学术经多。我则觉得这很自然。艺术又不是净土。能把艺术玩到他这个程度（我不说境界、也不说档次，呵呵）的人，绝对不是愤青、也不是票友。他一定是他自己说的，passion与impassion的巧妙结合。

In the Name of Love

Bill Zeller, a 27 year old PhD student, took his own life last week. He left a letter on his web page before he committed suicide. The letter explains why he did what he did. In this letter, he said that he wanted it to be made public and circulated so more people can see. That's what I am doing here -

http://documents.from.bz/note.txt

The letter reveals that for the last 23 years, Bill Zeller had carried his secret and and fought with the darkness inside him everyday. It shows the great pain he had suffered when he was alive. He was desperate for love, for understanding, and for trust. This lonely and wounded soul had never stopped trying to live a respectful life, to love others while feeling being loved, to seek for solution to stay away from the hurtful past. My tears was running down my face like a stream when I read his letter. He is extremely cynical, and had trust problems. But these are because there is a hole in his heart and he was suffering unspeakable pain. He is not incapable of love; he understands love perfectly. When he met the one who loved him dearly, he wrote -

"She was so loving and kind to me and gave me everything I could have asked for under the circumstances. I'll never forget how much happiness she brought me in
those briefs moments when I could ignore the darkness. I had originally
planned to kill myself last winter but never got around to it. (Parts of
this letter were written over a year ago, other parts days before doing
this.) It was wrong of me to involve myself in her life if this were a
possibility and I should have just left her alone, even though we only
dated for a few months and things ended a long time ago. She's just one
more person in a long list of people I've hurt."

But his pain and his dark secret destroyed him and his relationships, including the one he described in details in his letter. He is an arrogant kid, too arrogant to tell anyone in the world what had happened to him before he took his own life. He was not born to be so arrogant and self-defensive; he was made to. I understand that the more one's life was crushed under the fate's feet, the more one wants to prove that he/she is worth living.

How much I wish that time can fly backward. How much I wish I could know him in person and was able to tell him that opening up your heart to trustful people would not make you inferior but could only save you. If they see you as "ruined or traumatized," and if they spread your secret, that's their problem. That's because they are not decent people, not understanding how much courage it takes for a wounded soul to talk.

HOw much I wish that his family could love him in the way that he wants to be loved. How much I wish that he could hug himself and told himself "I love you."

I feel extremely sad this morning, for Bill Zeller's death. I do not see him just as a victim of sexual violence and child abuse. In my eyes, he is much more than that. He had a soul that can fly, and he had the talent that many people do not have. Yet he died, so young and innocent. I understand that death might be the best solution he could find given what he had in his life. He wrote:

"Some people are just dealt bad hands in this life. I know many people
have it worse than I do, and maybe I'm just not a strong person, but I
really did try to deal with this. I've tried to deal with this every day
for the last 23 years and I just can't fucking take it anymore."

I don't think that he did not survive because he is not as strong as others. On the opposite, I think that he is very strong to be able to live up to 27 years, fighting the darkness every day. I just wished that he could be listened more carefully and intensively, and his pain could be dealt with more delicacy and love.

1000 "Friends" on Facebook

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1344281/Facebook-suicide-None-Simone-Backs-1-082-online-friends-helped-her.html?ito=feeds-newsxml

The news reminds me of one episode of Southpark in which one lonely kid tried to secure a friend online and ended up killing himself when his only facebook friend deleted his name from the friend list. Nowadays, if one doesn't have a facebook account, he/she could be thought of as an alien. If one doesn't have over one hundred friends listed in one's facebook page, he/she seem to be "out." And being "out" is a sin.

Facebook has some positive functions. It can bring a family closer and bring more like-minded people together. But it is only a communication tool, not the end of communication, not the communication itself. I don't know how one can have one hundred or over one thousand "friends." I also don't know the meaning of posing every details of daily activities online. What's the point of telling one's "friends" "I ate an apple," or "I got up at 11:00am"? Does telling the others everything one does/think/like/dislike help them know one better and more quickly? I doubt it.

Farmer's Market at Okland

This is a wonderful farmer's market. The goods are fresh and nice. The price is reasonable. The majority of the sellers here are Chinese immigrants or immigrants from other Asian countries. I feel at home each time I go to this market. Love, love, love it!!

PS: It has the best stew chicken ever.

First try

My first try.

Tips - Eating it at a Japanese restaurant might be a better choice than making it at home. The raw fishes are expensive and ... it breaks your back to prepare for one bowl like this. It Looks easy, but it is a three- hour work! BUT, I did enjoy the whole process.

PS: My hands shook before they got to touch the sashimi grade fish. I thought it was the tea, but who knows.

This is the professional outfit from Sanrak. Compared with this, mine is like a plain pebble by the river bank. But you see the potential of me to shine some day, right?

Moscato d'Asti

Yesterday we went to Chez Panisse, the famed Americanized French restaurant on Shattuck, Berkeley. I had a duck leg with braised red cabbage and mashed yam (what a combination), which is exotic enough for me to feel refreshed. But what impressed me most is the wine!

I tried a cup of Bourgogne Vézelay to go with the duck leg. It tasted fantastic with a long elegant fragrant and fruity finish. The fragrance of the wine is so appealing that the restaurant chose a wide opening tulip shape drinking glass, which left enough room for the consumer to capture the bouquet in the upper bowl as it rises from the swirled wine.

What surprised me most was the dessert wine. I chose Moscato d'Asti with no idea of what it was. Then I was served a glass of sparkling white wine that had strong and pleasant flowery and fruity bouquet, like a combination of rose, apple, and rosebud. It is sweet, but because of the sparkling, it has a sharp refreshing flavor that offset the sweetness in a good way, and brings enormous balance to the flavor.

I never thought that I would be so impressed by wine. I never realized that a good wine can be so delicate and beautiful that, like a good movie, I would never forget and would like to go back to it. I guess the experience of tonight is like a new expedition with full reward.

To my hubby -- I would deeply thank you for your wonderful spirit of exploration and for your loving generous companion in my journey to the new world.